Stuckness

Old rainbow

This new song has double the listens of any of my others.. http://soundcloud.com/starshipjenerprise/twine-by-jennifer-stuart

A few things have happened recently.

One is that I turned 30.

Another is that I got a music fan who is 9 years old, and more badass than I’ve ever been.

A third is that my morning glories have started thinking about blooming.

I go through rapid phases of self confidence that comes from my heart and a feeling of utter insecurity and doubt. Usually they follow each other in annoying little circles.

I wonder if I’m addicted to attention, or if I’m becoming that way. Or if I’m delusional, or if I’m just very, very smart and if eventually that realization will stick.

A big lesson lately is that things don’t last. Not good things like love and dogs, but things like anger and repulsion towards someone or myself. These things pass. It becomes really clear as I continue my work in a contemplative community where being present is key.

When I’m present, I’m not attached to the mean things someone said to me last week when I see them this week. I know that anything can happen, and I know it from experience. Most importantly, the more I can let go of the assumption that the icky feelings will last, the more open I am to having new fresh exciting and possibly pleasing ones come in.

This is all for now. Thoughts, reflections. Vague, but possibly more universal than they feel at the moment.ย 

On a side note, I have a column in Kickass Women’s Music magazine. You can find my first entry here. The column itself is about Music and Mind and relating to various aspects of playing music with mindfulness. There’s an audio thing that pops up with a lady talking, just mute it if you want to read instead.ย 

I hope everyone who still reads Enjoy Life for Once is well, I hope to make more posts soon and more potent and pointed ones, but right now this is all I’ve got.

Are there any feelings that you’ve had for a really long time about someone or yourself that feel permanent?

If you could change one feeling that you have, for someone else or yourself or a situation, what would it be?

These are fun things to think about, even if you don’t want to comment on them. Just imagining the changes is sometimes a good step in the direction of actually allowing the stuck things to move.

Try it out. ๐Ÿ™‚

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13 thoughts on “Stuckness

  1. Excited about your new column! That’s great news…Life comes in ebbs and flows. Sometimes we feel full of confidence and vigour, and other times we feel quiet and more withdrawn. Love your words, whatever they say. x

    • aw you are so sweet Zanni! I need to catch up on Heart Mama, I’ve been loving your facebook posts! The ebbs and flows are at least trustworthy..if it ebbs today, a flow is always coming! ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Happy Birthday! Congrats on your column! I thnk that if I could change one thing… it would be to have realized that “These are the good old days in whatever day I am IN!) ๐Ÿ˜‰
    Wonderful post. I almost passed by cuz I am late getting ready to go to work but when I saw you posted had to read one of my favs!
    xoxo

    • You are so sweet, I’m so honored you read it in the midst of lateness, especially because it’s one of the rare short ones ๐Ÿ™‚ I love the feeling of these are the good old days, it’s so hard to see it at the moment but with a sense of trust it’s so wonderful to feel like it is true.. it’s awesome that you feel it now!! ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚ Hope work is/was amazing!

  3. After following and reading your blog over this past year, what pure delight to listen to you singing “Twine.” It was a real “It comes in pints?” Moment for me. Didn’t realize this was there. You’re most definitely not the only one finding solace and connection in your words, whether written or sung. Thank you for putting yourself out there in all these ways, whether pointed or vague. The rest of us are the better for it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • You are so kind. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m glad you liked it. I was wondering why it had so many listens, and I learned it was on the “soundclouders favorite sounds” playlist for folk, which made me feel so proud and surprised! Plus my new nine year old fan really liked it last week at the open mic ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you for always being so kind and supportive, your opinion means a lot to me because I trust where you are coming from, which is rare for me ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Welcome to the thirties club! It only gets better from here! A lot of what you wrote reminded me of a quote I saw on FaceBook which somewhat relates to the topic of your post: โ€œRemember when you said you canโ€™t live without him or her, now look at ya, living and shit.โ€ Which just remained me of when you wrote that the hurt passes when someone says something bad to you or anything else in this life, this too shall pass. Will check out your music articleโ€ฆ. Way cool! In response to your questions, one aspect I would change for myself and for my fiancรฉe is how we view work, wish work-stress could be handled better but it seems to be a world phenomenon of people who get burnt out at work and or lack interest. There is always the struggle of working because you need to pay the bills and working for your passion, me like so many, only work to pay the bills. A boost in moral, you have a wonderful Blog do not discourage! I love the way u write.

  5. “…or if Iโ€™m just very, very smart and if eventually that realization will stick.”

    Bingo.

    Because I so totally relate to the circle-jerk highs and lows of self-awareness, and also just because I say so. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  6. Being stuck in love sucks. I found my soulmate in eleventh grade and dumped him three years later out of insatiable curiosity for the world and its many temptations.
    Greatest source of pain for me ever, even still… thirteen years later.

    • I was thinking about that same thing a couple of days ago, and started thinking about the feeling of missing someone and what that was about. It’s an endless source of curiosity and inspiration for me, because that pain just doesn’t get smaller it seems. I’m excited to read your other comments ๐Ÿ™‚

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